Cam is frustrated. His career as a porn star used to bring him satisfaction both physically and emotionally. These days though he just feels empty. Reduced to doing tame and unimaginative scenes with new recruits, Cam can’t find the pleasure and satisfaction anymore. His boss, Jon Kellar, may provide him with an unexpected and not altogether comfortable form of release during their occasional sexual encounters, but there is no warmth, intimacy or connection to be found there. In fact, Jon comes with a dangerous and untrustworthy vibe.
“Porn used to be fun, a way of exploring his sexual identity and having a good time, but these days it seemed like a vise around his soul.”
Cam’s frustration grows until he meets Sasha Tate and his BMX. Sasha is everything Cam has been yearning for, even if he wasn’t aware of it. And handsome, sexy, charming and fun Sasha seems to be as attracted to Cam. They appear to be on a slow but steady path towards something more than friendship when Cam’s chosen profession throws a spanner in the works and Sasha disappears.
When Cam’s world is further rocked by an unimaginable health shock he is close to hitting rock bottom. With everything he thought he was at stake he needs all the friendship, love and understanding he can get his hands on if he’s to deal with all the shit life is throwing at him.
This is the second book I’ve read by Garrett Leigh and let me tell you, this author does not believe in giving her characters an easy time. Cam had my heart broken on several occasions. The reader is almost eased into his pain. What at first appears to be ‘only’ sexual frustration in the form of lots of release without intimacy, slowly turns into an awful lot more. Cam’s loneliness, even while surrounded by people was difficult to read.
“He craved companionship and warmth but somehow, even though his night was sure to end connected to the body of another, he’d never felt more alone.”
Garrett Leigh seems to know what she’s writing about when it comes to suffering, medical battles and somehow surviving both. For the second time she managed to strike a chord with me, evoke feelings I’ve been lucky enough to be able to leave behind me for a while now. The way she describes the pain and fear connected with a potentially fatal illness is almost too accurate for this reader. I had to walk away from this book once or twice. Not because the story didn’t grip me – it did. I had to create some distance was because the story hit too close to home.
I loved the way Cam evolved as a character in this story. While it would have been easy to brush him off as almost shallow when the story starts, there is no way you could think of him in those terms when the story ends. His journey from a distinct but unidentifiable sense of dissatisfaction to realising what it was he’d been looking for all along was spellbinding.
“Cam wanted to weep as he realized this was what he’d been missing...searching for all along – the undeniable sensation of shaking in a man’s arms, of being held like he was that man’s whole world.”
As I said above, this is the second book in a series. I didn’t read the first book, although I now think I may have to in the not too distant future. While I never felt I missed out on vital information and think this book can easily be read and enjoyed on its own, I do believe I might have gotten more out of this book if I’d read ‘Bullet’ first.
If I have one ‘complaint’ about this book it is that it wasn’t longer. Not that the story felt rushed or unfinished but I would have loved to spend some more time with Cam and Sasha.
My final quote is only here because it holds so much meaning and I think it’s a message people should take to hard before they’ve reached that crucial and terrifying point.
“...but for me, confronting my mortality taught me to look beyond the obvious.”